I’ve been overthinking things.
Complicating parts of my life that I should be able to simply enjoy. I can’t enjoy most of the things I do throughout the day because there’s a part of me that’s just not satisfied. Never content. Other parts of my mind may be on board with playing video games all day or taking a 2-hour bath, but the piece of me that’s causing me discomfort at the moment is my over-active mind.
This was developed during my many years of schooling. You go to a school or two (or many) for the first chunk of your life, and it becomes engrained in your system. (at least, it is for me). It’s what you grow up doing, and it encompasses all your childhood memories. The friends you made were the ones you met in class; the books you read were for an assignment; the free time you had was marked out for you in time segments between being here and there and going to bed at a good time.
There was so much to do and so many people to talk to and deadlines to meet each week. And though you may have felt discouraged at times, you still completed what you could and got through it. Your time was in someone else’s hands throughout the week and most of the weekends. They told you what to do, and you did it.
No one’s telling you what to do now.
Everything is different.
Your friends are beyond reconnection. The ties you let loosen are now completely untied. Your time is all your own besides the time you’re on the clock working to earn money to pay for food and rent at a place you don’t really care to live in all that badly, with people you get along with most of the time but who aren’t very close or interested in the same things you are (or what you have to say at all), but what else would you spend your money on if you had more of it? What else would you be doing with your life if you weren’t here, doing the very things you’re doing? What else is there…
what else is there…
…is there a what else?
Is this just your post-education self? Just paying to exist to work to pay…
These thoughts and more plague me daily over my warm bagel and quickly cooling cup of tea, and I’m paralyzed. So many why’s…
And it’s these purpose-questioning thoughts that make it very difficult to function on my days off. Anything I could possibly fill my time with is just not enough. Not enough stimulation or whatever. This is how people develop anxiety of extreme levels. Just sitting and stewing…
My inner commentary is a very critical one, and I’m crippled by the fears it bestows upon me of completing nothing of value. It insists I do something productive (what even is productive…), or else I’m just wasting my time, and to waste your time is to waste your life…
I fear the onset of many useless years, having gained absolutely no wisdom or experience to better myself or improve my standard of living. Still broke, still anxiously failing to come up with something “better” to do…
Is this even something to complain about? Having too much time on my hands?? How do I have the nerve to be ungrateful for such a safe and secure life, just because it bores me… can’t answer that either. I am hyper-aware that the very act of complaining about something so meager is an offense to the real sufferers out there in the dark places of the world. I just want to get my mind on board with the fact that everything’s alright. I’m fine. I have very little to worry about. And yet I find little meaning in my life at the moment. I have to fight the strong urge pushing me just to run away from it all, abandon everything and everyone I know and just escape – if only to escape the terror of my mind, enslaving my every movement and sabotaging my ability to be comfortable and content in my own house.
I may think I can hide from the monsters of the world but I could never pretend to have the ability to escape my mind…
Coming to you in a most restless state this wintry Wednesday morning. Lift your mugs of tea to the gray skies, and have a splendid week!
Lately I’ve been thinking. I’ve been a brewin and a stormin. My mind has been creating and tearing apart. I can remember my dreams again. I feel instantly energized without having to sleep or consume coffee.
It’s hard to pinpoint exactly which part of me is; I don’t have the means to understand the level at which it will happen. I just know that my life will not be the same anymore, and for that I am grateful.
It’s impossible to assess if I’m terrified or even ready for things to cease being comfortable and familiar. I’m just beginning something new that I haven’t been able to describe in the past. I’m jumping into a new way of loving and living…
It’s been a while since I’ve been able to find the ability within myself to write anything in terms of a finished post. Just daily musings about my constant internal strife and interactions between others, and most of the time how I feel about… everything.
The holidays brought about quite a bit of change, altering the pattern my weeks have been in. As we enter this new year, I am thankful to note that my life did not feel unaffected by the time spent away from home, in the warm comfort of family. My kin, to sound more interesting. I didn’t make quite as big of a deal financially as I usually do during Christmas time, but I found a deep satisfaction with seeing my family that I’ve been away from for so long. Moving farther away than ever before definitely has more of an effect on you than you might think.
I haven’t been extremely productive lately, even though the only time I don’t have to myself is when I go to work on the weekends. I’ve been working 16 hours a week and still get nothing done at home. I feel as if I’ve had too much time on my hands, and haven’t had any type of urgency or constraints on my time to be able to fully appreciate it. Now that I’ve gained an extra day of work during the week, I feel like I’m more in balance and can more deeply appreciate my time for play when I’m not on the clock. I’ve been away not because I’ve been too busy, but because I’ve had too much time to myself.
I’ve been distracted
This new YouTube interest of mine is exciting and overwhelming at the same time. The first video I made was more myself, and the second was me trying to be something I wasn’t. I got really stressed about trying to make the video look really good and have the perfect perspective and all that. (And keep in mind that I’ve spent absolutely nothing on this new project, plus I have zero experience at it, so the quality isn’t that great so far). And I didn’t enjoy making the second one and almost didn’t post it, but I figured that in order to get better at this I just need to get it out there before I just give up entirely.
And it’s hard. It’s hard to be bad at something. To think that you look ignorant or incapable is very difficult to come to terms with. No one likes to be vulnerable in case you’re misunderstood. I’ve found a new peace with being able to have an imperfect piece of work. To have a simple video where I just talk and dispose of the desire to make money from what I do. Or a post where I just write, not giving any mind to how many people will read me or care what I have to say. I need to care what I have to say.
So, here I am
As I was gathering things for my shower this morning, I noticed a tiny little creature crawling along the tub’s edge.
The moment I recognized it as an ant, I said to myself: ” What is that ant?”
What is that ant?
Well, it’s a reason to be unsatisfied with the amount of filth in this bathroom. The combined scent of everything I’ve neglected has drawn this pest from beneath the tiles. It also means that this apartment must be poorly sealed to allow insects to squirm their way through the cracks and towards the odors of this place. Also, how in the hell are there ants visible at this time of year??
And before any of these automated responses left the confines of my head and formed into cynical outbursts, I heard a small voice reply:
it’s a sign of life
And that kind of positivity was all I needed to spark some motivation for me to make a second video.
It’s a sign of something. Moving. Working. Creating. It finds more purpose in its duty than I do. This ant is going to continue with its work indefinitely. And what am I going to do…?
I’m going to do something. And here is that something.
My last video: Here We Go!
Till next time…
Well, I did it. I finally uploaded something.
I’m doing the video thing! Writing out full-length, researched, and edited blog posts has lost its appeal to me for the time being. So I’m going to try this out.
The first segment of this journey is going to be spent going back to old posts on here and talking about more material there of what I wanted to say.
The intent of this video was to focus on the post “Worth”, but there wasn’t much to say about that one and I had some introductory things to focus on getting out.
I’m ready to start something new, even if I’m making shit at first. I enjoy playing back the final cut of videos I’ve made, if just to laugh at myself. And I’m completely fine if that’s all that comes of this. My goal is to find something to do that makes me happier and fills up the massive chasm of my free time I have when I’m not working my part-time jobs.
I’m not super proud of my work so far because there’s a lot I still want to figure out how to do better, but I am going to work on being satisfied with “imperfect”. As a human, I’m prone to that.
I AM NOT PAID OR SPONSORED by anything or influenced by money in any way when I speak my mind in my videos. My approach is to be as raw and unfiltered as possible.
The editing software I’m using is free, and I already owned the camera and laptop. Bare basics. It’s not pretty, but it’s a start, and that’s where every great thing was at one point. I’m on my way to greatness. Hopefully…
Today I want to share with you my natural hair care journey. On the hunt for tips and tricks to get my hair to grow faster, I stumbled across this thing called a Hair Mask. I had only heard of such a thing in legend but had never experienced its powers myself. There are many reasons one might seek the aid of a Hair Mask ritual, from healing and detoxing to stimulating growth, to just increasing smoothness and shine and wonderfulness.
I wouldn’t exactly categorize my hair as damaged anymore since an extreme trim that removed over 5 inches of bleached, faded, and neglected hair. But I have been interested in trying natural things I can do for my hair’s health, and I figured that the only potential setback of soaking your hair in a bunch of food products would be a funny smell. I’ve had good results so far, but who knows? I’m no hair expert; I just own my own head of hair.
I decided to venture into this hairy territory. I left the comfort of basic hair care behind and ventured into my kitchen with no boundaries. I don’t exactly have the income for the lavish ingredients in some recipes; I just used what I had. In the end, this is an inexpensive and unique concoction that is capable of all the magic healing power in commercial masks.
My Simple All-Inclusive Hair Mask:
- 2 tsp coconut oil
- 3 tsp olive oil (also known as 1 TBS)
- 2 tsp honey
- ½ banana (eat the other half)
- 1 egg
- ½ cup milk
Coconut oil: Helps your hair grow longer, thicker, and faster, AND it smells super nice in your hair
Olive oil: Moisturizing and contains magical antioxidants
Honey: Helps return some needed hydration to your hair and even strengthens hair follicles
Banana: Full of a lot of greatness (natural oils, carbohydrates, vitamins like potassium and calcium) and will help your hair grow, be softer, and also reduces breakage
Egg: Has a lot of protein and vitamins (A, D, and E) which helps hair grow
Milk: Packed with calcium and other vitamins to return strength and natural shine
I began this process a couple days after washing my hair, letting it absorb its own natural oils. I applied this goopy mixture straight onto dry hair and wrapped a warm T-shirt around my head, then let it sit and soak for 25ish minutes. I then washed my hair as usual and let air dry.
Likes and Dislikes:
I have to say that I did not mix the banana thoroughly, and it made a gross mess everywhere in my bathroom while I applied it to my hair and when I washed it out. I also used too much milk, making the mask very thin and runny.
My hair’s softness lasted longer than the first day of washing. I also noticed a lingering banana smell, which was interesting. I absolutely loved the sensation during the soak. There’s really something therapeutic about soaking your hair in food, wrapping something steamy around your head, and just letting your hair be itself for a few minutes.
For my second trial, I approached the mixing process with more experience. I removed the banana because I didn’t feel like dealing with the mess. I reduced the milk as well because I didn’t need so much, and would rather eat most of my food than wear it.
The Revised Recipe:
- 1 TBS honey (also known as 3 tsp)
- 1 TBS olive oil
- 1 egg
- 1 TBS milk
- 3 TBS coconut oil
(I used the most coco oil because it’s the most magical).
And all the rest is all the same story 🙂
So, there it is. Super simple and cheap. Add whatever you have on hand. Include some essential oils and/or some avocado magic. My main goal was to see if anything happened, and potentially encourage some healthy growth. This recipe is a super basic, all-in-one product that will do miracles for your hair (and mental health).
I needed to pamper my hair after neglecting it for so long. I chopped off the damaged parts to express a new beginning, a time to mend the bond I tore with many abusive hair dyes. They might have brought me fleeting excitement, but each one faded to gray eventually. This decay crept slowly inward as I lost interest in caring for my appearance, losing my joy and sense of self. Ah, depression…
(Joining you fresh from a very bubbly bath. Mmmmm, it’s soo nice to sit and steam out your problems).
Till next time…
I’m changing things up around here! I’ve decided to focus my blog and try to follow a general theme now for the majority of my writing on here. I’m not sure how long that while will last, but I want to stick with it for a while. This is a fresh start at how this blog operates.
The reason: Lately I’ve been going through some drastic changes in my personal life and experiencing a lot of personal growth. I’m just feeling happy again finally. For the first time in forever…
“It feels good to be running from the devil
Another breath and I’m up another level
It feels good to be up above the clouds
It feels good for the first time in a long time now” (High, Sir Sly)
I took a look at my horoscope earlier this year out of curiosity, and it said that this year was going to be a year of more inner growth than outer growth. Now, I don’t know how much all of that talk about the stars really affects our lives, but it was interesting to check out. It also was aligned with the way my life has been because this year has been an incredible journey to self-discovery and of improving my living situation. With all of this change occurring in my life, I believe that it’s about time to get serious with my posts and focus my blog on a couple of topics of interest rather than wrote about every random thought that enters my mind. I have 3 or 4 things that I want to dedicate the majority of my focus to, but I may veer off the path every once in a while. I’ll outline them here just to outline some goals for myself.
- I want to document what I learn and experience on the path to healthy living.
This topic can encompass a lot of subtopics. I want to change up how I eat (while still managing my budget), how often I exercise, and other lifestyle choices that will be beneficial to my body and give me more energy to work with during my day. These posts would be about what my typical meal plan is in a day, or what my workouts look like, or the new product I’m trying out that helps me sleep or keeps me hydrated or lightens my skin – things like that.
2. I am going to learn how to start making my own beauty products.
Before I get started with this process, I want to test out some affordable natural skin care and then begin to develop my own formulas when I know what works for my specific skin needs. When I get into the creation process, I want to use raw ingredients that are easy to find around my house; I’m going to try to limit the amount I allow myself to spend on this project, especially while it’s still in its beginning stages and doesn’t have much output besides personal interest and improvement.
What I want to try out first are face scrubs and cleansers, masks, moisturizers, exfoliants, and acne treatments. Facial products will be the most beneficial and interesting stuff for me to learn about right now. I’ve made significant progress already with my skin’s condition and have gotten my blemishes down to a manageable level, but I want to continue to work at maintaining healthy-looking skin and improve its quality even further. When your skin is wonderfully healthy-looking, you can show it off without any heavy makeup. I want to get to the point where I’m alright with my appearance even if I don’t feel like my skin is “good enough”. I want to work on my confidence level and decrease how much I worry about the imperfections on my skin that no one notices. I want to accept my skin the way it is naturally and not care about using a mask to pretend I look flawless every minute of every day. I know it’s a pretty simple concept to just go without wearing makeup, but I’ve had a lot of psychological damage in terms of my self-esteem; I need to work on reversing the effects of insecurity I’ve felt so long that was largely due to my own self-deprecating mind.
And when I do wear makeup, I want to feel good about the products I’m using and be aware of the ingredients my skin is absorbing. My sensitive skin will react to strong chemicals, so I’m going to be searching for gentle vegan makeups that I can use comfortably. Then I’ll report what I experience in future posts. I know that I’ll experience many beneficial side-effects beyond just changing how my skin looks and feels.
3. I want to post about intriguing science discoveries.
I’ll be throwing in some posts about new discoveries and technological advances in the fields of biology, genetics, nutrition, and other scientific topics that interest me. I just finished an Associates of Science in Biology, so maybe I can actually put it to use somewhere; it sure doesn’t seem to have much use to me in the real world until I have more education to pair it with.
4. What I experience as I get used to city life.
I might include some “Day in the Life’ kind of posts that talk about my jobs and my adventures. These will often be in the rant format when I just need to untangle my thoughts from busy days.
So… ya. This is the new base of what I want to focus my attention on. It’s been difficult for me to dedicate my full time and energy towards anything that doesn’t guarantee a good grade or a paycheck. I’ve always been devoted to my school work and my job, but I’ve spent less effort on myself. Just improving my own happiness should be one of my main goals. I want to change up my old routines and dive into a process that I enjoy being a part of. It’s good to try new things, and I’ve just been so hesitant before now to push myself beyond my boundaries and step off the beaten path of what I’ve always done. I need to return my attention inward to what I really want to be doing and let go of the pressure to do well at school and advance in my career and all that. This next phase of my life will be shifting my focus away from impressing other people on how successful I seem and more towards appreciating myself and making sure that I really enjoy living my life. With making my own products from raw ingredients and with getting more serious about my blog, I’ll be investing time into myself for once and not just forcing myself to do well for a high score. I think in our American society, we don’t realize the importance of just taking a break from the mad dash to earn money to consume things we don’t really need. We need to realize that some things in life are slow processes that take a lot of effort to make work.
I cherish the progress I’ve made on my small little blog from its founding a few short months ago. I started out at the bottom with no knowledge of how this kind of thing works, and now… well, I guess I’m still pretty inexperienced. But I’d like to think that I’ve improved a little bit from when I started out and that I have a little more of an idea of what I want to do. My goal now is to be a bit more consistent with posting and just improve my work in general. I want to be proud of this thing one day. Here’s to trying harder to enjoy my life!
Till next time…
I’ve been thinking a lot about how my skin is changing, and I thought I’d share some amateur advice so that I might possibly help some other lost souls out there…
Did you know that your body (and specifically your skin) undergoes multiple transformations throughout your life, even after puberty? They call it: Second puberty.
I’m sure that anyone who’s been through young adulthood is nodding their head right now. “Yup, my body is growing tons of hair and aches 24/7 and I never eat sugar anymore. The good old days are gone.” Or something like that…
I don’t want to get older and have my body mature again! I thought it already matured and was done with that. I’d rather stubbornly stay youthful forever and never have any more responsibilities than I do now. Finding out about this second puberty thing feels like I just woke up out of a coma. My life is a lie! I thought that as I got older maybe I’d know what I was doing a little more. Nope! I get more lost with every step on this journey through life.
I need to start caring more about being more healthy because it’s going to get more difficult as I age. If you never think about taking care of yourself, you’ll suffer in the long run. Now that I’ve noticed a couple warning signs of my body aging, I’m absolutely terrified! I feel a wee bit dramatic here, but this is actually pretty devastating when you first come to notice what’s happening in your own body. It’s just not an option to be apathetic about my health anymore; I need to change my lifestyle now before I create permanent ugly reminders of the damage I’ve done to my body. Drinking = bad skin and kidney damage. Sugar = diabetes. Veggies = good. Excercise = GREAT. Coffee = bad but also good. Bubble baths = my only hope…
Hopefully, in the next 10 years, I will make some solid good habits (not likely) before I just deteriorate into nothingness. I know I need to work on my discipline because I haven’t put that tool to use in a while, and it’s a little rusty. I need to be a more conscious consumer and read the ingredients on my food and consistently work out and take care of myself and my skin. Relax time is vital, and I need to think about how my actions impact my body and my mind and my craziness levels.
As I’m aging I have new problems to deal with. I’ve graduated from keeping my grades up to keeping my bills managed. And my body has gone from a lightning fast metabolism to one that can’t handle a few pushups. Now that I’ve climbed over Mt. Decade #2, my skin acts like it doesn’t even know me anymore. It’s trying to adjust to and prepare for this long-term state of being alive and all that. I guess I’m entering the middle of my life where you don’t feel young and alive anymore, but you aren’t close to dying either. Between creation and destruction: that’s where we are right now.
The 1st major factor of this adult puberty that affects me is the changes occurring in my skin. My face requires a completely different treatment than it used to. And that has been a tremendous adjustment. But I have found a solution that works (there is hope!!!).
I think this all started earlier this summer as I was finishing up at my community college. At first, I had trouble even comprehending that my skin was changing and needed an updated treatment to keep it healthy and happy. Throughout high school and up until my 20’s, I had pretty typical skin; I tried to be gentle with it for the most part and listened to its signals of what it needed. I usually didn’t bother with foundations and face makeups (and still don’t) because I felt good about my face back then, and don’t really think I needed that stuff to look good. It’s just not worth it to me, and it takes way too long. My skin responds better and looks healthier the more I just let it be on its own and show off its natural glow. Just go without makeup for a while, it’s good for you!
When my face began to transform into a new creature, I wasn’t treating it how I needed to anymore. I was embarrassed by all the blemishes on my skin and how red it had become from irritation. I stubbornly thought I could treat it as I always had because I thought I knew my skin well enough to diagnose its problems myself. But I sure didn’t, and I needed a new acne remedy to save myself from the shame of not knowing how to feel good about my face anymore.
I was also terribly insecure about the entire thing and had a lot of other self-image issues at the time as well. I was convinced that I could just cover up all my blemishes with makeup rather than diagnose the problem. I was out of options. This began the downward spiral of the battle against my face. The worse my face got, the more makeup I wore because I didn’t want anyone to see my damaged completion. But then, of course, the more often I tried to combat my acne by scrubbing and ripping parts off and covering and clogging it up, the worse and worse it got! It fought me aggressively during that period. There was no hope for me; I wouldn’t even take advice from other people with their own complicated faces.
The thing that finally lifted me out of this ravine of self-loathing was a meditation about positive body image. It emphasized that you need to accept yourself the way you are right now, without changing or improving anything. I listened to the uplifting words through my headphones even though I was far from that mindset. Eventually, I just cried it all out felt better and ready to give my face a second chance. Meditation helped me quiet that malicious inner voice that doesn’t want to see me happy; the devil in your mind that distracts you when you’re trying to be productive (or finish a post), and who interrupts your progress in any way it can. There are mind demons in all of us, no matter your beliefs. Demons of anxiety, of jealousy and greed. They plague us all when we are weak and don’t have any power to combat them.
Meditation helped me quiet that malicious inner voice that doesn’t want to see me happy; the devil in your mind that distracts you when you’re trying to be productive (or finish a post), and who interrupts your progress in any way it can. There are mind demons in all of us, no matter your beliefs. Demons of anxiety, of jealousy, greed, and sloth (the most powerful of all). They plague us when we are weak and don’t have any power to combat them or when we just aren’t paying enough attention.
Anyway. Implementing positive meditation and focusing on your thought patterns will have a ton of healing potential. It gives more volume to the voices of love and truth and harmony – the optimistic ones that will encourage you and not tear you apart from the inside. Inner peace and all that (A little cheesy, but isn’t that how meditation is?)
But the thing that really helped me with my insecurity was finding peace with myself. It wasn’t some secret magical remedy that grants you instant happiness and beauty. You have the potential for happiness within – you just have to love yourself. Whatever it takes, you have to get there before you can live happily. I focused on my self-love to heal internally what I could not heal externally; the reason for my suffering was not solely based on how I washed my face or how healthy I ate, as I had thought before. Once I felt more confident about my natural face, the healing really began. I stopped wearing as much makeup and even went without for a little while, despite the imperfections. I also started being more gentle with how I washed my skin and stopped being so persistently aggressive about it. And it has made a huge difference!
“Beautiful skin requires commitment, not a miracle”
With my younger skin, I found that exfoliation was my friend. One of my favorite exfoliates was the Clean & Clear Deep Action Exfoliating Facial Scrub. It tingles when you put it on your skin and has tiny little blue scrubbies that do some high quality deep- cleaning work against the bacteria in your pores. It leaves behind a very soothing and refreshing feeling when washed away. I loved this stuff because it really did the job thoroughly and felt great in the process. It’s an intense and deep cleanse, so be careful if your skin is more on the sensitive side. What I like most about it is that it’s inexpensive and widely available in most grocery stores or here on Amazon.
However, my skin now hates that scrub or anything too intense like that. It likes to be gently caressed. Now, I switched to Burt’s Bees products and I’m obsessed (didn’t rhyme on purpose there). I have two of their products right now: the Burt’s Bees Soap Bark & Chamomile Deep Cleansing Cream and the Orange Essence Facial Cleanser. I didn’t realize that I had them both because I bought them separately, but I’m glad I have each of them because they’re similar enough that my face is used to them but different enough that I feel like I’m mixing it up sometimes and don’t get bored.
While I know there are a lot of other good cleansers out there, this is the best one I’ve tried for a lot of reasons. They smell and feel really great and are 99.99% NATURAL, which your skin loves a lot more than all the preservatives and other damaging substances that many commercial face products are loaded with. Both of these products have a moisturizing effect, and the Soap Bark and Chamomile one feels cool and soothing because of the ingredient menthol. Neither of these two products lathers up much or exfoliates aggressively, so look away if you’re into face products for that. But if you need a sweetly gentle and natural way to cleanse and pamper your face, this is for you.
The orange essence cleanser contains two vital ingredients: olive oil and aloe vera. This cleanser contains a lot of other natural oils, which makes this a very smooth and moisturizing product. You might know that olive oil has been used for skin since ancient times and that it’s packed with antioxidants and doesn’t clog your pores like you’d think oil would do. Aside from cooking and promoting hair and nail growth, it can be used as a makeup remover, moisturizer, mask, in baths, and a TON of other things. Aloe vera is already pretty well-known for its magical properties. It’s a powerful antioxidant and antifungal, and works wonders for clearing, soothing, hydrating, and rejuvenating your skin. The adaptations this plant made to the harsh desert environment made it into a modern necessity for wounds, irritation, and general skin care.
The main ingredients in the soap bark and chamomile cleansing cream are chamomile, aloe, and menthol. Chamomile is another super ingredient that is mainly known for its soothing properties in tea (it’s so mild that it can even be given to babies). It is also an anti-inflammatory, which helps with sensitive or damaged skin. Menthol is derived from peppermint and eucalyptus plants and has soothing and pain relieving properties that can be useful for irritated or hot skin.
I decided that I need to stop subjecting my face to the carcinogenic chemicals in popular makeup as much as possible. It’s not healthy for our skin or bodies at all and can be just as toxic as the chemicals in the preservatives in the food we eat. I found some shocking info in this article about what’s in your makeup. I didn’t recognize most of the chemicals, but what I did know were the hormones, lead, formaldehyde, parabens, and a bunch of scary-sounding compounds that we expose our skin to when we use some products. It’s insane!! (I might even revisit this topic in depth at another time because it’s mindblowing to me what we willingly put on our skin).
I prefer natural remedies over all the chemicals and hormones I’ve been slathering on my skin to cover up all the damage I’ve done to it. I’ve already noticed my skin clearing up because it isn’t suffocating from all the muck I used to cover it with. Just let your pores breathe. Then clear them out gently, and tend to them with natural treatments, and your skin will thank you for freeing it. Give it a break! A lovely natural break.
“Know yourself, and you will win all battles.”
Just take the time to treat yourself better. Be conscious of what your inner monologue is telling you. Meditation dude – that’s what I used to heal my skin initially. The cleansers I use just help to maintain the good balance I have going. I’ve also just started using olive oil on my skin, and I will report back with my results on that very soon once I have solid results…
So if you want to try out the magic of Burt’s Bees for yourself, check out what this amazing brand has to offer. Stop with the face abuse!
Till next time…
So my post I’m working on now is taking longer than I had anticipated. I’m in the process of moving right now and my life is not organized in any way, especially not enough to be able to sort my thoughts into a full-length piece.
But let me tell you about my day. My horrible, awful, no-good, really bad, and really sweaty and stressful day. I’m hardly in the mood to create anything good right now, so lower your expectations as far as possible for today. I just want to rant right now.
It began first thing when I woke up. Because it wasn’t anywhere near the time I wanted to be awake in the morning. So that set my mood off to a poor start because of that disappointment in myself there. Once I actually got out of bed, I collected my things from my suitcase to take a shower in the place I’m staying at, and walked across the house with it all in hand. Once undressed and ready to go, I realize that I forgot my face wash. Not that big of a deal, even though it did upset me a little because I was already undressed and didn’t feel like retrieving it just for one shower.
Anyway. Then came the difficulty with the shower itself. I’m not used to the water conserver type of shower head, the type where you have to pull the cord to resume water flow and all that so that it doesn’t waste any water while you’re waiting for it to heat up. So I turned on the water and started to wash my hair, and the water just abruptly turns off, mid-shampoo. I just wait for it to turn back on, as if the water pressure got interrupted momentarily because of some other water being run in the house. Even the spout at the bottom wasn’t letting any water out but drips.
Finally I just turn it off and rinse my hair out in the sink. Then as I’m drying off and cursing whatever unknown misfortune prevented me from doing a real thorough cleanse, I hear weird noises coming from the wall behind the spout of the shower. So I turn it on again, and sure enough it’s running. Then I switch it over to the head, and sure enough it’s running! I turn them back off and jump back into the tub.
I figure I might as well condition my hair if possible, so I squeeze a small amount onto my hair (thankful that it’s now a lot shorter than it used to be), and then turn the water on. To my dismay, the water won’t come. So I turn on the spout at the bottom and crouch down into the bottom of the shower under the mini waterfall to rinse my hair, feeling utterly ridiculous and pathetically undignified.
So once I dry off and get dressed, I start making myself and my boyfriend some breakfast. Bagels looks good. Sure. That should be a safe bet. Nope. I have to cut open the bagels myself because they’re the Costco kind that aren’t pre-sliced for ya. And as I’m cutting through that last inch of the bagel bread, milliseconds away from breaking apart the two uneven halves, I angle the knife toward my hand and slice through the tip of my finger!
Now, at this point I’m halfway showered and shaved and am bleeding into the kitchen sink, and am really considering just calling the day quits and going back to sleep next to a peacefully dosing Chandler for a couple years. But no, I valiantly tighten a band-aid over the stream draining from the deep gash in my skin, and continue making breakfast. Unfortunately, I am not yet accustomed to the toaster-oven at this house, so I nearly burn the bagel that I’d been looking forward to all morning. And there’s also no cream cheese of course, because of the unspoken rule that a household can not contain both of these breakfast essentials at once. The same rule where you never have the correct ratio of milk to cereal. But anyway…
I start applying to jobs online, which was the thing I had originally planned to do today before all the mishap. And that went decently. And by that I mean there was little challenge but little feedback. Just hours and hours of paperwork and filling out applications to childcare jobs and a nearby Starbucks. Once I had worn myself out on that, I decided to grace the world with my presence and turn in a resume in person to a comic book store.
I start fantasizing about how exciting it would be to hang out with nerds all day and sell games and little super hero souvenirs. I even made sure I had my Lord of the Rings tattoo showing to possibly provide a conversation starter. But no. My dreams at making friends over Marvel vs DC debates were shattered as soon as I walked in the doors.
I hand this old balding guy my rumpled resume, which he looks down on as an absolutely insignificant and disappointing piece of paper. He asks me a couple things about what I wrote down, and I answer with some short unprepared mumbles. Then we establish that I don’t have the retail experience he’s looking for. (When really, how hard can it be to pick up something like that? Did I not put down I’m a fast learner at the top of the page…)
Then comes the worst part of this demoralizing exchange. He asks if I have general knowledge of the stuff they sell in there (what, like the flashy characters coating every available surface?) And I say “Yeah. I mean I haven’t read any of the comics, but I’ve seen all the movies.”
Immediate cringe moment. I basically just told this guy I was a complete poser! I hadn’t read the books but I had seen the movies!?!?! Like that made up for my lack of nerd culture at all. No, it just made the whole situation worse. I had nothing to say after that. I blanked. I panicked. I was stunned and insulted at my own ignorance, and had no possible way of knowing his thoughts at the moment. They were most likely: “Oh, I see. What you’re trying to say is that you aren’t a true fan, just a pretend one. Like one of those hipsters, ya? You think I’m into hiring young fake hipster white chicks? You’re not nearly nerdy enough to work at a place like this. You’re one of those dull pretty girls who wears an Avengers shirt to look cute. Your type disgusts me and you are too pretty to work with the people who come in here and don’t care about appearances and just want to be comfortable being geeks. So I could absolutely not use your lack of previous retail expertise and have you intimidate my nerds. Move along!”
I mean… I’m sure it’s not quite as extreme as that, but he had very little humor for me to go off of, and I was very uncomfortable at my lack of nerd material at that moment of questioning. The sad thing is that: I AM A NERD! I swear. As I said previously, I HAVE A NERD TATTOO ON MY ARM! I have seen every Marvel movie that has come out (besides Guardians of the Galaxy… I know — I am ashamed). But no, it’s not enough. Today I found out that I am not nerdy enough for a nerd shop. And that was the worst part of my day. I was humiliated.
I am undoubtedly a nerd, but just not the right kind. I’m not such an extreme nerd that I can recite all the Marvel and DC knowledge I possess at a second’s notice. It’s not that I’ve just watched the movies. I have played the games. I have dressed up as the characters on multiple occasions. I have quoted notable lines more often than I should. I know the Avengers like family! But no… I am merely a novice. A mediocre fan of the superhero universe. I have failed you all…
After that point, my day continued its downward spiral. It was extremely hot and my car doesn’t have AC, so every inch of my body was melting as we drove around the city. The air gets so hot in the cab of my little car that it’s difficult to breathe in the heat of the day in full traffic. It was bad enough that I had to drive my deteriorating manual in the city, which extremely stresses me out. I also hadn’t eaten anything since that crusty bagel, so I was about ready to explode, or murder someone with my car.
We decided to check out a vape shop after our short and disappointing resume drop offs, and were there long enough to realize that we were too young to buy anything. Thanks for always making great laws, California. Then we turned with heads hanging low and soaked in perspiration and headed for the haven of our temporary home.
I was glad to get home and breathe the cool air and just lay my head down for a moment in silence and let off some steam and let some hot tears fall. It was quite overwhelming for my first day of trying to make it in the city. Tomorrow will be a fresh start, an opportunity to face new challenges and setbacks. I know today wasn’t the only one of its kind, just the first of many. I just know that tomorrow I’m going to be better prepared. I’m going to wake up earlier, I’ll know how to take a full shower, and I sure as hell won’t be going outside!!! At least for the majority of the day while the sun beats down on the air and they conspire to suffocate me. Now for some simple boxed Mac n Cheese for me and my sweetheart 🙂
Goodbye for now, and I hope you all find a way to stay cool this summer!!!
Get yourself something nerdy at Amazon.com
And, if you’re a superior nerd to me, check these out (though I can tell you nothing about them at all, out of inexperience)
Till next time! ♥♥♥