A Slave to My Mind

I’ve been overthinking things.

Complicating parts of my life that I should be able to simply enjoy. I can’t enjoy most of the things I do throughout the day because there’s a part of me that’s just not satisfied. Never content. Other parts of my mind may be on board with playing video games all day or taking a 2-hour bath, but the piece of me that’s causing me discomfort at the moment is my over-active mind.

This was developed during my many years of schooling. You go to a school or two (or many) for the first chunk of your life, and it becomes engrained in your system. (at least, it is for me). It’s what you grow up doing, and it encompasses all your childhood memories. The friends you made were the ones you met in class; the books you read were for an assignment; the free time you had was marked out for you in time segments between being here and there and going to bed at a good time.

There was so much to do and so many people to talk to and deadlines to meet each week. And though you may have felt discouraged at times, you still completed what you could and got through it. Your time was in someone else’s hands throughout the week and most of the weekends. They told you what to do, and you did it.

No one’s telling you what to do now.

Everything is different.

Your friends are beyond reconnection. The ties you let loosen are now completely untied. Your time is all your own besides the time you’re on the clock working to earn money to pay for food and rent at a place you don’t really care to live in all that badly, with people you get along with most of the time but who aren’t very close or interested in the same things you are (or what you have to say at all), but what else would you spend your money on if you had more of it? What else would you be doing with your life if you weren’t here, doing the very things you’re doing? What else is there…

what else is there…

…is there a what else?

Is this just your post-education self? Just paying to exist to work to pay…

These thoughts and more plague me daily over my warm bagel and quickly cooling cup of tea, and I’m paralyzed. So many why’s…

And it’s these purpose-questioning thoughts that make it very difficult to function on my days off. Anything I could possibly fill my time with is just not enough. Not enough stimulation or whatever. This is how people develop anxiety of extreme levels. Just sitting and stewing…

My inner commentary is a very critical one, and I’m crippled by the fears it bestows upon me of completing nothing of value. It insists I do something productive (what even is productive…), or else I’m just wasting my time,  and to waste your time is to waste your life…

I fear the onset of many useless years, having gained absolutely no wisdom or experience to better myself or improve my standard of living. Still broke, still anxiously failing to come up with something “better” to do…

Is this even something to complain about? Having too much time on my hands?? How do I have the nerve to be ungrateful for such a safe and secure life, just because it bores me… can’t answer that either. I am hyper-aware that the very act of complaining about something so meager is an offense to the real sufferers out there in the dark places of the world. I just want to get my mind on board with the fact that everything’s alright. I’m fine. I have very little to worry about. And yet I find little meaning in my life at the moment. I have to fight the strong urge pushing me just to run away from it all, abandon everything and everyone I know and just escape – if only to escape the terror of my mind, enslaving my every movement and sabotaging my ability to be comfortable and content in my own house.

I may think I can hide from the monsters of the world but I could never pretend to have the ability to escape my mind…


Coming to you in a most restless state this wintry Wednesday morning. Lift your mugs of tea to the gray skies, and have a splendid week!


4 Comments on “A Slave to My Mind

  1. The fact that you are thinking about these sorts of things now is a good sign, I reckon. Lots of people don’t ask these sorts of questions until their time is nearly up and they can’t do anything about it. As Odin has taught us, the secret to wisdom is not in knowing the answers, it’s in knowing how to ask the right questions!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks! And I agree. I can’t say if I’d rather have ignorance or this ceaseless inner monologue, but seeing as this is the way it is, I need to find a way to employ it and not just let it make me restless.
      I hope I can start to ask the kind of questions that’ll make me wiser rather than just spinning my mind in circles of “what ifs” and making me madder and madder every day

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah, I guess that’s why they say “ignorance is bliss”! I used to think way too much to. Now I just play what’s in front of me (or I’ve become willfully ignorant, it’s a fine line!) It’s all a process, you’ll get there. Maybe that restlessness you feel is just energy and drive in disguise, looking for an outlet?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Good on ya, that’s a good way to go about life. I thought I was doing that too and just taking a day at a time, until I found that I’d lost satisfaction in day to day activities and know now that I’m doing something wrong. I know that I need to find a way to channel all this energy while I have it and use it to create something I’m proud of. And I’m sure even a few months from now that this state of mind will evolve into something else and I’ll look back and hope for this state or maybe even feel relieved to be out of it 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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