Just Wanted to Write Today

Lately I’ve been thinking. I’ve been a brewin and a stormin. My mind has been creating and tearing apart. I can remember my dreams again. I feel instantly energized without having to sleep or consume coffee.

I’m changing.

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly which part of me is; I don’t have the means to understand the level at which it will happen. I just know that my life will not be the same anymore, and for that I am grateful.

It’s impossible to assess if I’m terrified or even ready for things to cease being comfortable and familiar. I’m just beginning something new that I haven’t been able to describe in the past. I’m jumping into a new way of loving and living…

It’s been a while since I’ve been able to find the ability within myself to write anything in terms of a finished post. Just daily musings about my constant internal strife and interactions between others, and most of the time how I feel about… everything.

The holidays brought about quite a bit of change, altering the pattern my weeks have been in. As we enter this new year, I am thankful to note that my life did not feel unaffected by the time spent away from home, in the warm comfort of family. My kin, to sound more interesting. I didn’t make quite as big of a deal financially as I usually do during Christmas time, but I found a deep satisfaction with seeing my family that I’ve been away from for so long. Moving farther away than ever before definitely has more of an effect on you than you might think.

I haven’t been extremely productive lately, even though the only time I don’t have to myself is when I go to work on the weekends. I’ve been working 16 hours a week and still get nothing done at home. I feel as if I’ve had too much time on my hands, and haven’t had any type of urgency or constraints on my time to be able to fully appreciate it. Now that I’ve gained an extra day of work during the week, I feel like I’m more in balance and can more deeply appreciate my time for play when I’m not on the clock. I’ve been away not because I’ve been too busy, but because I’ve had too much time to myself.

I’ve been distracted

This new YouTube interest of mine is exciting and overwhelming at the same time. The first video I made was more myself, and the second was me trying to be something I wasn’t. I got really stressed about trying to make the video look really good and have the perfect perspective and all that. (And keep in mind that I’ve spent absolutely nothing on this new project, plus I have zero experience at it, so the quality isn’t that great so far). And I didn’t enjoy making the second one and almost didn’t post it, but I figured that in order to get better at this I just need to get it out there before I just give up entirely.

And it’s hard. It’s hard to be bad at something. To think that you look ignorant or incapable is very difficult to come to terms with. No one likes to be vulnerable in case you’re misunderstood. I’ve found a new peace with being able to have an imperfect piece of work. To have a simple video where I just talk and dispose of the desire to make money from what I do. Or a post where I just write, not giving any mind to how many people will read me or care what I have to say. I need to care what I have to say.

So, here I am


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