Avocado Hands Do Not Exist

 Be careful when preparing your avocados, they may just ATTACK!

             In case you haven’t heard, there’s a new pandemic of idiocy sweeping the nation. And it’s called: “Avocado Hands”. People are labeling knife wounds after the food that “harmed” them. This specific “condition” has lead to serious tendon and nerve injuries, and some people permanently damage their hands in this way. And this is happening because people with little experience with knives are whacking away at avocado seeds way too hard and then slashing through their skin when the blade slides off.

This guy knows how to educate people and therefore prevent further injury to the population:

There has been an incredible rise in the consumption of avocados worldwide, which leads to shortages in its numbers and an increase in their cost. But these real issues involving avocados are now being supplemented with other click bait news stories, like the one where someone joked about serving coffee in their skins (which was pretty entertaining and got people interested). But in today’s food culture, if a headline has the magic word avocado in its title, it’ll get more attention from people who want to stay up-to-date with this newly worshiped entity. It isn’t the avocado that is doing people harm here as the headlines suggest, and it isn’t dangerous to continue consuming them either.

I’ve heard of similar food-related injuries. Not everyone knows how to use a knife safely and there absolutely needs to be a higher level of education out there for those who want to get all fancy and healthy in the kitchen. British surgeons and The Times have said that there actually needs to be a warning label on the fruit: “Perhaps we could have a cartoon picture of an avocado with a knife, and a big red cross going through it?” Something like this:


What’s happening here is that people are being dumb in an attempt to eat what’s popular even though they may not know how to tackle the complicated food prep. But honestly here, if you can’t tell if a knife blade is dull and will slip on your food and injure you, stay far away from the kitchen until you take a culinary class or two. Or at least watch a YouTube video on it…

And why is this phenomenon of people hurting themselves in the kitchen suddenly so interesting, like it’s never happened before? You don’t see news stories about people’s eyes burning from cutting onions or grating their thumb off on a cheese grater, or from burning their hands by grabbing food out of the oven. The reason is that these things are boring to talk about and have simple solutions. The only reason these injuries get attention, even briefly, is for people to laugh at the stupidity of their causes. Like in this diagram.

But this news story is just making headlines because of the trigger word avocado. Like that magical word will catch the attention of any full-blood millennial for miles around. And while we’re here, what IS a millennial? I’ve seen some pretty bad stereotypes of millennials in the past, especially from places where people are not exposed to younger people on a regular basis, like the small conservative town where I grew up. The rest of the world is less judgmental, but let me define this term objectively to better my own understanding. This comes from the Urban Dictionary:


“Millennial is an identity given to a broadly and vaguely defined group of people. There are two wings of “Millennial” that are often at odds with each other: Generation Y (people born between 1981-1991) and Generation Z (born between 1991-2001). People of Generation Y often have characteristics similar to Generation X, which is why Generation Z will confuse Generation Y with Generation X and then claim to be the generation that represents “Millennial,” when in fact, birth years for Millennial range from about 1981-2001, just as the birth-years for Baby Boomers ranged from 1946-1964.

Both Generation Y and Generation Z can be called “Millennials,” with the primary difference between the two being technology. Generation Y grew up on personal computerscell phones, and video game systems, while Generation Z has grown up on tablets, smartphones, and apps. Yet, the common ground between both generations is that both have been transforming and altering communication and identity–not just in the United States but globally.”

So it’s not even as bad of a thing as I’ve been seeing it as lately. Here’s the problem I have with being a part of this category. It is assumed by some that every living person who is a young adult or almost adults can all be put into the same box. Honestly, as I see it, we need to stop putting labels on generations or types of people because we are all the same; there is no such thing as a generation. And by this I mean that age tells very little about someone, and those who think they can put a label on an entire generation are very wrong.


For those people out there who find the need to insult me indirectly by targeting my age group: I don’t get it, and I never have. It’s always been happening – the shaming of the younger generation due to their use of new technologies, which leads them to be viewed as more “self-absorbed” than the previous generation who didn’t use it in their childhood. This happened with radio and TV, and will continue to occur as long as we attempt to differentiate between age groups with colored diagrams. This tension will exist as long as people who didn’t grow up with a technology refuse to adapt to it.

I get that this new tech is beyond some older people because it wasn’t hardwired into their DNA from infancy and that they’re likely skeptical of automatically accepting some advanced technology that could be sent from the government and may attempt to control our brains to take over our free will and overthrow humanity someday… but from where I’m sitting I would like to see a little more tolerance of people who live and thrive in the technology from the people who don’t understand how it works.

Arguing in favor of the millennial generation is an old topic, for the internet has been around for a while now and has had its effects. I know that for the most part young people are being taken more seriously and are no longer ridiculed so strongly for their “hipster” lifestyles. We are the internet generation, and there’s nothing bad about that. I feel like I have to tell myself that more than anyone else. I’m not even a “typical” millennial, being cut from the mainstream for the most part by living in such a small town, but I think the point I’m trying to make is that the term millennial needs to stop being used as an insult.  Fortunately this is starting to disappear because there has been a lot more understanding of differences among people than there was even a few years ago.

I can say that I’m proud to be entering adulthood when I am, and I look forward to proving wrong those who would condescend to my age group. I just want to stop hearing so much ridicule targeted at the upcoming generation, and for people to realize that none of us will put up with being put in a box. “Qui nos opprimere velint, illos libenter devoramus.” (Anyone who ever might wish to oppress us, we will gladly devour.) Right?

But anyway. to return to my original topic, I can see through these efforts to advertise to the generalized population of millennial hipsters or vegans by using trending food topics to graqb our attention and create problems that don’t need to exist. This Avocado Hands headline just grinds my gears because of the opportunity it creates for jeers at people who are “obsessed with avocados”. This fruit is such an addiction apparently that people my age can’t even afford homes because they’ve wasted all their money on avocados and similarly trendy, yet expensive, meals. This habit of eating healthily is completely self-destructive and must cease at once! Millennials are just irresponsibly using their money and hurting themselves while trying to handle foods outside their expertise. Stupid kids…

We should be labeling this problem as what it is: people don’t know how to problem-solve and avoid slashing their hands because they’re whacking towards their unprotected hands with blunt knives to remove a pit. It’s not that a healthy diet is dangerous and we have to expose this treacherous fruit for the hazard it poses to our safety. Just sharpen your knives, people. That is all. Thanks for your time. J

Be safe and sharpen your knives!!!

PriorityChef Knife Sharpener for Straight and Serrated Knives, 2 Stage Diamond Coated Sharpening Wheel System, Black

 And keep that special fruit safe with these clever food containers!

And if you must whack out those seeds towards your hands, wear these:

NoCry Cut Resistant Gloves – High-Performance Level 5 Protection, Food Grade. Size Small, Free Ebook Included!
(See – it’s nearly impossible to cut yourself with these on, even if you try!)

Till next time…


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