I’ve been carrying some heavy burdens lately; they weigh down on my mind and emotions like an anvil tightly secured to the top of my head, just traveling around with me wherever I go. I’ve always carried smaller burdens in the form of responsibilities weighing me down because I tend to stress about things, but I’ve never felt this kind of strain until these past semesters at community college. Especially the roller coaster of this last one before I graduated. (Oh! I graduated. Hurrah!) And I haven’t been able to get rid of them. Until now.
Now that I’ve graduated, I feel less of the weight. I have completed my mission. The moment I said to myself: “It’s done. Yes, Mr. Frodo, it’s over now”, the second I knew I had no more school to do, I felt instantly lighter. Just like Frodo finally coming out of his ring addiction and breathing the free air again. My emotions feel a lot like his face here, all battered and chapped up.
I want to be able to continue this process of climbing out of the deep groove of depression I fell into some time in the winter, and join the rest of the world in the time of rebirth of spring. It’s time to let go of old hangups and move on.
My head has found a new space, and it is absolutely exhilarating. I actually spent the first full day at home just cleaning like mad. You see, people like me like to have a clean habitat; it makes them think more easily when they have a clear space around them. So when I feel good, I like to clean and get organized and make my house look all pretty. Then I can organize my thoughts and feel better and more on top of my head.
Since I’ve moved to this home, my room where I keep all my things has been absolutely trashed! The clothes and belongings that my ex-boyfriend hastily threw into some garbage bags have been untouched since he brought them over. They’ve been there for 6 months, and I haven’t found the mental energy to sort through all the painful memories. I haven’t had the energy or motivation to take care of any of those things and put my life in order. I told myself it didn’t bother me that much, and it’s just stuff anyway, right? Well, apparently not, as I found out the other day. I hadn’t been taking care of my things because I didn’t have the energy to care, and now I do. I’m back on track. I’m throwing away those old memories and moving on. I want to start living again and enjoying every breath.
On this extreme cleaning day, I went through everything I had time to open and sorted and organized for hours and hours. Even when I told myself I didn’t have enough energy to keep cleaning, I kept going out of some hidden reserve of energy I didn’t know I had. I was working on autopilot for hours, just doing laundry and sorting through random odds and ends in the back of my house. I was working all day, when usually I’m too lazy to get up before 11am.
I think this drive came from my renewed energy, my new-found will to live. I think I was able to clean so thoroughly that day because my environment tends to reflect my emotions. I’ve been a mess inside until now, and it’s showed in the piles of clothes and dust and spiderwebs that I called a bedroom. All this time I’ve just been avoiding the problem because I didn’t feel like I even had enough energy to spend on fixing up my insides. And now I do. Now that I have begun to repair the broken down pieces of myself, I can work on the rest of my life too. When I went back to that untouched corner to get something, I finally looked around at everything in there. I saw a mess I could tackle.
I’ve been living so hopelessly for too long, just accepting my fate as it came to me. So when I was confronted with the horrible mess of my room, I just used to give up caring about it because the problem was too large to handle. But now that I’ve finished what I set out to do, graduating, and done it – I have a new love for life that I forgot the feel of.
But I can feel again. For so long now, I’ve been holding back and just going with the flow. Well I say: Only dead fish go with the flow! And I’m not dead yet. I’m ready to embrace my new life, this new enthusiasm. I’m going to use it to my advantage to jump-start my new life.
I’m going to get up early in the morning. I’m going to care where I spend my money and invest in some kind of future. I’m going to put time into my relationships and care how I touch the people I meet. I will not be intimidated or controlled by anyone, but I will stand up and say what I need to say because I am in control of my life again!
I’m ready to start living MY WAY and be rid of this emotional baggage. Today was an introduction to my new mindset and where I’ve been headed. Hopefully from here I can keep this train going and delve deeper into the dark pressurized places of my mind and release some steam before I burst!
I’ve been living without hope for too long, and I can finally feel it come back into my life. Time to live happier. Hope you discover the same freedom that I’m looking for now. Till next time…