A World of my Own
I’ve recently rediscovered my own world. I had left this land of mine in search of new horizons, as though the grass was greener outside my familiar universe. I just wasn’t seeing enough potential in the place that I had established, and was drawn away from it. I’ve been gone so long that I didn’t want to go back and invest time in improving my world. And I think I’ve finally found why.
The energy I had spent in living my own insignificant life wasn’t good enough. I had put time and resources into cultivating the luscious gardens of my mind, but then, suddenly, I stopped. I stopped investing love in myself. I found other people’s designs more inviting, and could no longer love what beauty I had created in myself. My gaze has been turned away from myself too long to even recognize my own light.
I didn’t know how I truly wanted to live anymore. I just wanted to live the lives of other people rather than spend time within my own. And at one point I finally just gave control of my life to someone else with more experience at driving the life vehicle, and have been a passenger on their road trip.
For a while now, I’ve just been along for the ride, enjoying the lack of responsibility of not controlling the wheel. These other people that I allow to drive my life around have been diverting my vehicle onto paths they wanted me to explore, and I rarely added my input. I’ve let other people tell me where to go for too long and I’ve been getting more lost the more directions I hear. And I’m not going where I need to be. I eventually lost hope of even getting to my destination, and abandoned soul-seeking journey. I completely stopped getting to know myself. And I have been very LOST…
But somehow, by some miracle, amidst all the noisy clutter of directions… I’ve found ME!
At last the lights are on, as if a trigger has been activated to turn me back on inside. I want to live; I want to take back the wheel and be in complete control. I can see what’s been decaying down here in the dust and darkness of my being, and I need to put things back into order.
I can see now the destruction that became of my mind in this abandoned state while I was away. This dwelling my energy occupies is dried up like a ghost town. This space has been untouched, unloved and under nurtured. The rotting remains of what I let sit out too long is now enveloped in a thick mold and various colors of fungus.
I have been ashamed of who I am; I didn’t have the beauty, the brains, the allure I saw in others. I have therefore neglected and starved myself of love. I gave it all away, and kept none for myself. My insides crave meaning and affection, and have therefore sought shallow attention from the world.
But society never provides permanent fulfillment, and you can’t attempt to feed your consciousness with the compliments of others when you don’t believe in yourself. My soul whimpers like an emaciated dog that has been forsaken too long and is shivering in its loneliness in a cold dark corner. Now that I can see what I’ve done to my soul by avoiding it, I know that I need to restore love to it and nurture it back to health. I need to believe in myself again.
How did I make such a mess of my being in the first place? I was given all the necessary tools at birth to make something of myself, and instead I’ve let them sit in a corner, unused, just doomed to gather dust. I think I’ve been working with someone else’s tools. Where did these tools even come from? Who gave me these false instructions and told me to use them, and WHY have I been following them?? I’m definitely not qualified to use them! I don’t fit to the standards of others. And why should I try to?
These questions come to the surface of my mind as if I’m waking up from some deep trance and starting to finally breathe the free air again and question my surroundings. I realize now that I have abandoned my personal quest of self-improvement to chase down the fantasies and expectations other people had for my life. And this whole time I let myself be manipulated, I gazed out the bars of my self-created trap at the beauty of people who controlled their own happiness.
But I need to remember that I have a specific set of blueprints to make something beautiful in a way that no one else can. For too long I have been too fascinated by the designs of others to focus on my own personal masterpiece. I’ve seen little intrigue within myself and have let the glamour of happy people turn this gaze into one of self-loathing fueled by a deeply green jealousy. How are they so glamorous and joyful?
I’ve been envying the skill with which my idols use to create themselves. No wonder I have low self-esteem and little sense of self. These icons have intimidated my inner child and made her feel incapable, foolish, and unsightly. My inner self has lost all confidence in me. I’m not qualified to make my own choices; I don’t have enough wisdom to be in control and will surely fail. Someone needs to tell me how to live because I am not all that qualified. I can never truly be beautiful or enough..
Well I don’t need advice or influence. I am grateful for all the help I’ve been given, but I don’t need your charity. I want to learn how to life myself without being saved by some hero. I want to be a warrior rather than a damsel in distress. I’m not looking for a lover anymore; I’m looking for the love that’s been lacking from within. I know how to love others, but not myself. There seem to be no courses I can take on self-love in order to perfect this talent. I have to start teaching myself…