Noncommital

What I’ve realized about myself is that I’ve formed this destructive habit of not finishing anything I start.  I chase down the thrill of a new adventure, and then drop the subject when the excitement fades. I’m an adrenaline junky at heart and don’t know how to make myself commit to anything long-term.

 

I’m about to graduate out of community college, and now that I’m at the final chapter and have been here for a couple years, the rush of the ‘college experience’ has long escaped my emotions. It’s not new anymore; I’m getting nothing out of it. My general ed classes are repeats of my previous semesters, and I’m too familiar with the run of the whole place that it’s really a bore to be here. it drains my soul.

I’ve also lived in the same place for a while now, which is unusual for me. In these past couple years, I’ve accidentally made a habit of changing location every few months. Unfortunately, this trend has caused me to grow accustomed to constant life-bending changes, and the lack of something new in my life has left me hollow in a way.

School has lost it’s excitement. I’m stuck in a static and decaying home situation. My life force is draining into my surroundings. And now I need a life refill.

Another reason for my noncommittal nature is the habits I’ve picked up while in school. Mostly high school. I would learn about a topic well enough to pass the test on it, and then drop it immediately afterwards because I didn’t care about the subject anyway. I’ve become an information consuming and dumping robot. Learning what I need to and then disposing of it to make room for more garbage. Serving the needs of others rather than focusing on what I actually want to learn and doing what I want to do with my time. I only do things for the test grade. Being just good enough.

And, therefore, I just don’t get that into what I’m doing. It’s easy to drop things I’m not invested in after a short amount of time before I get anywhere further with them. I haven’t spent enough time on any of my skills to sharpen them and make them into something useful. Even the things I do enjoy are pushed to the side to make room for the busywork I’m given in my classes. I can’t really bond with any of my avocations because I have lost the ability to put love into the tasks I do.

I’m not even good at looking good. I’m so bad with consistency that I don’t even have a set routine of how to get ready in the morning. One day it’s heavy black eyeliner and the next I’m jumping out of bed and going about my day with a naked face. I suppose everyone experiences those late mornings, but I haven’t been able to even go a week with a set routine, for quite a while now.

I only have one tattoo because I can’t commit to anything else. My hair color changes every couple months because I can’t decide on a single look. I have somehow been so used up by school and trivial tasks that I have left little of myself to be myself. I don’t know who I am or want to be…

I’ve become too accustomed, trained even, to meet the expectations of other people. From boyfriends to teachers to parents to adults in general. That’s what school does to you. Teaches you how to follow the rules. Sit down, stop talking, and pay attention to what I’m feeding you. The most important thing I’ve learned from school is how constricting it is and toxic for my psyche.

And I’m done with it. I’m longing for a world I can only barely glimpse through the bars of this mental cage. I feel like I haven’t been able to set my self-expression loose; always holding myself back because of the ropes of regulations that are holding me down. I won’t feel like I’ve been set free until I graduate and am not forced to fit in line anymore. There are always going to be rules that have to be followed in order for society to remain, but I am done being a teacher’s pet in order to make my way in the world.

“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”

~Albert Camus

I’m going to live this way. To search for the ‘more’ that I crave. I’m newly dedicated to that purpose. I’m going to throw all my energies into hobbies and skills that make me feel good, not ones that I’m going to get graded for or have to do.

To start, I need to make my life more personal. It’s as if I’ve been holding myself at a distance to finish more urgent tasks. Putting my personal growth on hold to finish my business calls. It’s time to hang up the phone. I haven’t spent enough time on myself in fear of being distracted from what I need to get done. I need to be more personal with myself. I know there’s more in there than I’ve never shown anyone.

I’ve been a workaholic with my school work; the kind of person that gets consumed in a career, only to wake up one day and realize they’ve let their life fail and relationships fade for the love of money, success, or fame. Only this occupation only promises grades, some letters on a paper. It’s gotten me nowhere.

I don’t think I exactly love myself right now. I love testing myself. Seeing if I’m good enough to pass something. I’m better than that, and no test can even hope to appraise my value. Only the test of life, and how you respond to new challenges and opportunities. I’m ready for a new challenge. And this time I’ll fin…

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