A Morning Ramble
An interesting thing happened to me today. I was sitting in my car waiting for the next thing I had to do to come along, hoping to take a nap eventually, and just stewing. I began to feel the oncoming waves of negativity splash against me, and increasingly became in a rather poor mood. For seemingly no reason; I had apparently just let myself sit uncomfortably for too long. I was just getting bothered by the scraps of metal I had rattling around in my brain, scraping up the sides. So I set my phone down and laid my head down to sleep, and even successfully caught about a half hour of light sleep in my reclined front car seat.
I think my phone vibrating woke me from a sleep state I hadn’t fully committed to anyway. It was a text from my mom giving me another thing to care about. Meanwhile, the car had begun to heat up to an unbearable temperature. So I left the hot box I’d isolated myself to, to get something to eat in the excuse for a cafeteria we have on campus, still somewhat ruffled from my morning grump session.
Eating my veggie wrap in solidarity with a podcast rolling along in one ear, I tried to coerce myself to just endure my last class of the day before I could go home. The girl working in the building was on break and came over to talk for a while, so that pulled me above my foggy scene into the clear skies for a little. I enjoyed the light banter.
Then I trudged up the hill to my writing class. And getting there a couple minutes late and walking in the front door, I was greeted directly by my teacher. And for some bizarre reason I said I was “alright” at the inquiry of my emotional state. I proceeded to be ‘alright’ the rest of class, though my close friend of a week ago said absolutely nothing to me in the entire 3 hours I sat next to her. She doesn’t like my choice of boyfriend this time around. Huh.
I guess what I realized by how I completed this day is that you don’t need to be ok to be ok. You can function without having yourself completely put together. Though you may not consider yourself capable of functioning on a particular day, but you are. You’re fine. If you just do it afraid and don’t put any thought or preparation into it, you can do it. If you’re lacking a strength source at the moment and feel too incapable to continue on, just jump into it. If you’re afraid of the water, jump in before the fear spreads and cripples you.
I think, a lot of the time, we give in to the idea that we aren’t going to be able to do something because someone has told us so. If there’s a possibility of failure and the resulting ridicule we’ll receive for it, why try at all. Why let someone see us fail and produce something meaningless and waste our time. What other people see in you has become so important, so vital to existing. What you are seen doing is what defines you. How you look and other such appearance-based aspects of a person. This is especially prevalent in small town atmospheres, where you can be observed at all times by people with voices and opinions to be spread. Always watched, and never seen. Who really ever actually sees me…
We let defeat into our lives so easily because we want to know how to feel. If there isn’t something to complain about then what the hell is there to talk about at all, right? Opposition gives us something to fight, so we look for it where it doesn’t have to exist. The word drama is defined as: “An exciting, emotional, or unexpected series of events or set of circumstances”, which sounds like a whole lot of fun, yes? So people create it themselves, an artificial source of excitement. For something to do. We want problems so we can get sympathy for having to face such things. And while everyone goes through actual difficulties, most of the time the problems people have in their lives are because of how they act and all the pot stirring they practice.
Introversion is so beautiful. It disregards all the bullshit competition out there and the cries for attention and fame. It lets you just love living for yourself, and not for someone else. Not to be seen doing something, and pretty much disposing of the notion of how one seems outwardly to other people entirely.
I’ve begun to draw strength from my desire for solitude rather than feel shame for it. I don’t dislike talking to the right kind of people, but good talk has become rare in a world where it’s been poached by the sexual hunters that are just looking for the shortest conversational route to bed. I’ve let too many shoes walk on my ears, and they’re dirty from the bullshit those feet dragged through. Not to mention the other aspects of my life that have been shit on by putting up too few defenses against a person before letting them into my inner chambers of my heart and soul. My being is undergoing construction of a new defense system on this city. Not to block everyone out necessarily, but to sound alarms that work accurately in alarming situations.
I need to work on recognizing the mental alarms, the red flags and caution tape. I need new glasses with which I view the world. Let fewer people see the woman behind the curtain, because they would only see what she does as silly and insignificant. It’s surely significant to me. Keep it up!