The Darkness Inside

I don’t personally know how to describe most mental and personality disorders, not personally inflicted with them, but I’ve been thinking of the challenges I face associated with my depression. The dark spaces in my mind that haunt the other parts. Now my dad has bipolar-disorder, and I’m pretty sure my sister does too. I can’t tell if I’ve been blessed with such a gift yet as it doesn’t develop fully sometimes until about my age. So I have yet to have that actual condition diagnosed in myself. But I do feel as if my mind is tortured beyond the usual capacity, and I also believe I can speak pretty fluently for depression, as you don’t necessarily need to receive it from your genetics.

As this title suggests, I wanted to talk about my ways of coping with the knots my brain forms inside itself. I want to talk about the numbness, the self-loathing, the anxiety, the insecurity, and the anguish that I feel because of the way I think. Most of the time, I’d prefer to not constantly be pondering the universe and what it means to exist and how I can accomplish what I’m supposed to while here on earth… it is indeed a lot of pressure. I’d prefer to just find simple happiness, and continue to pursue that feeling at time when it gets faint. But no, I have to ponder what it means for a being to find happiness before I just let it happen.

The numbness I feel began when I manually turned my care levels way down in an attempt to deal with my stress. Just act like it doesn’t matter, and everything won’t be so terrifying. It’ll be ok if everything goes wrong. I somewhat stopped trying to control the world, but I took it too far. I’m the kind of person that needs to control something, but it becomes difficult to get emotionally involved when I lack anything in my life to command. This point of view just turned my entire world gray to the point where I couldn’t feel much of anything for a while. But I’ve regained some feeling in my emotions through stretching them out. And living life. And having some power over something. Some say in how my life goes. I just need to continue to take back the strongholds in my mind that I’ve surrendered to fate.

This self-loathing comes about when you either shame yourself for your wrongs or receive relentless shame from other people in your life that think they can hold your will in their hands. When you make choices out of impulse or selfishness and then are not allowed to forgive yourself. Knowing you did something something completely inexcusable and then not letting go of the fact that you’d ever done something so horrendous. Shame is a powerful weapon against peace and self-esteem. It punctures any confidence you may have in being the person you are, because it questions your very core. It looks at your being and reduces your worth. Finds you disgusting. If you are able to block out these crushing judgments and then shut out the shame from others, then you are unstoppable. Self-shame is where the true damage can take place. When you leave behind the sins you’ve committed and are truly reformed, then the path to recovery is straight ahead. Stop the self-shame and regret at past mistakes. Regret is only useful for a short while, for a single time per mistake in order to correct yourself, and then you must move on. Because you’re older and wiser than you were then, yes?

Anxiety is a sneaky and clever beast. It attacks at your times of weakness. The days faced with too little sleep. The speech started with too little preparation. The moments of financial stress.Β It whispers fears of failure to you when you could otherwise work through something and face the challenges as they come at you. It makes waiting for anything impossible (especially buses). I get anxious often because my confidence is still under construction, and it gets so bad sometimes that I have to immediately go home and retreat from contact with anyone else. I’m not sure what the exact way is to define a “panic attack”, but I know I’ve felt some extreme symptoms of nervousness and introversion. Why is it so difficult to exist among people sometimes? Why do I avoid situations simply because they would require come interaction and maybe confrontation? I’m pretty horrible at that.

Insecurity is currently my largest and most formidable foe. Where it was first born I can’t be certain, but I know that it’s had a stronger hold over me than usual. And it’s not an easy thing to fight. While I can tell myself that it will just wax and wane with the varying situations I find myself in and who I’m surrounded by, that doesn’t decrease the importance of finding my inner strength. To say: “No, I’m not a model or genius, but I am me, and that’s ok.” That being me is pretty good, and how can I expect myself to be perfect, when I haven’t even been alive that long? And there’s that much more room to improve, so I try to find that encouraging. I may not be the most suave person alive, but I can live with that and just do what makes me happy. Confidence comes more easily when you aren’t calling to it, kind of like a cat. Just ignore it and it’ll creep around. You do have to work for it, but by living as fully as possible in your life stew you’re creating. It may not smell that great yet, but the aromas will come when you’ve simmered long enough.

Living life to the fullest is a much larger feat than it seems when put into words. Be the best you can be. Explore. Use the precious time you have each day to find something new to excite your senses. It means put the absolute most effort into your day as possible. A lot more work than just saying or writing it down. But when you live by that motive, to just go into the tasks of your life with all your force, then you’ll really start breathing heavily. You won’t find depression at the times when you’re searching and creating more in your life. It doesn’t hang around the bright spots of your mind where hope dwells. So put some hope back in your soul!

SO depression. How very interesting. I’ve been climbing out of my own pits of despair recently, which has been made possible by viewers like you. I mean by the increasing levels of sunshine in my life and energy as a result. I want to get up in the morning and enjoy my coffee with the new born sun. I want to have quiet lonely moments with my music and my thoughts. I want to wander. I am welcoming this recovery fully, and providing whatever aid I can in the battle against relapse. I’ve put on my armor and am facing this head on. I am beginning to learn to live, to thrive, again.


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