Kill It

Kill the green-eyed monster.

Don’t feed it, no matter how hungry it becomes. No matter how urgent its cravings. It may whisper its desires in your ears and promise to share its satisfaction, but it is a greedy beast. Though you know how absolutely ravishing it would be to satisfy its needs, don’t. It won’t benefit you in any way to deal with this demon. You know without a doubt how gratifying it would be to, like smashing in the kitchen window or itching a healing mosquito bite. Just don’t. Stop.

Spit out the blood on your tongue that came when you violently but off its words. When you prevented its destruction from being released upon the world and those it seeks to harm. Just dispose of the poison before it consumes you and tints your skin and sharpens your claws and extends your fangs. Take out the trash in your mind before its smell diffuses across the entire house and taints your world. Eradicate the parasite on your mind before it finds enough sustenance to becomes harder and harder to remove, leaving your mind in waste as it eats its way through you and consumes all the good found there, This impostor is a liar, and will take what it wants and keep it all. It’s greedy and selfish and knows how to antagonize you for attention. It feeds on your attention. Ignore it and let it starve and move out to find another, weaker-willed host.

Jealousy is a powerful creature. And giving into it does nothing to your benefit. There may be a person in your life that you just cannot get over. You long for their attention to an unhealthy level (and though you would never admit it out loud, you are absolutely obsessed with this person). And when they happen to notice anyone else, you feel that selfish sting in your head. That’s pride, fucking with you.

Jealousy has many weapons of mind-destruction at its disposal. It is the flip side of the coin of love and selflessness. Love believes the best of other people. It sticks up for them when the jealous mind would otherwise accuse them of wrong. It demands to be put first in every situation, in every relationship. It can begin growing roots in the presence of uneven financial situations between friends, times when you see how great someone else’s life seems to be in comparison to yours, and at times of doubt of faithfulness in relationships. It is a plague on the mind.

I know that the only way to remove it from my life is to ignore everything it tells me to do. From personal experience of giving into its  pressure, I know it only leaves you further from where you want to be. You won’t get the type of attention you want, and will just cause drama and look like a fool.

I tell this creature that found my mind to sit in that: You’re just playing on my insecurity, and I refuse to participate in your games. I won’t listen to your little lies that make me even more uneasy than I need to be. Your distortion of the truth only expands the real problems going on, and make me feel more hopeless than I really am. You work in secrecy and deceit. And I want no part in your ways. I have no dealings with beings in your line of work. The work of spreading pain through unchecked desire.

These actions based in jealous hate aren’t going to bring permanent satisfaction or any resolution in the end, despite their temporary rush. The only way to dissolve these conflicts is through truth. The green monster is a master of the shadows and would prefer to keep things quiet and plot in the darkness of your mind. Expose him. Just expose all your thoughts and cleanse them before they stink up all your relationships.Talk through everything that bothers you, rather than let the venom consume you.  It works.

I have many inner conflicts with myself about this topic. Like this: What do you really feel when you get the attention or uproar you were seeking when you do something out of jealously, out of insecurity? Those satisfactions are shallow and melt under small pressures. They have no real justification when questioned, just that you’re acting on your self-centeredness, and are being a jealous bitch. Just stop it. Just say no, I’m going to rise above this. Just shut up the fears that you aren’t as smart or beautiful or interesting as someone else. You, yourself, are amazing, and in your own way.

Comparisons are really useless in terms of value. Why do we attempt to gain worth and completion in life by being like someone else? You’re you. And if you’re not being that, then you aren’t being amazing. And at the same time, you can’t control what other people do and what they think of you. Your only task is to present your core as truly and unfiltered as possible. Then the ones that are drawn to the elements of your essence will want to hang around to be invited inside, deeper into your self.

May none of my motives be fueled by insecurity or jealously and lust for attention. It’s a great fantasy to desire to be desired by another. To be sought after. To draw in others just by being. To have someone’s gaze fixed on your movements. I suppose I’d rather not be aware of that kind of fixed attention. I have to let go of this optimistic expectation of being sought out. Cease this wandering around, just hoping to pass into someone else’s field of vision and capture their gaze. So dreamy. This just means I’m wandering around for the purpose of meaning something to someone else. I should mean something to me, and I’m still working on meaning more to myself.

Still in this process of falling in love with myself I guess you would say. The best part of this adventure is that you get to create your own fantasy. Disconnect from caring about what categories other people would put you in, and become what you want to be. Sometimes just enjoying being alive draws others in. And when you get to that point, it doesn’t matter anymore. Let them come. Let them go.

Now, at this point in my consciousness stream, I look back to where I began, and see that I’ve completely deserted my former feelings of inadequacy and regret that birthed this discussion. Now that’s hopeful. I have more important things to think about than trying to be as interesting as someone else or keeping up with the demands our culture has for me. While there’s so much out there within the media to look at, and dwarf myself in comparison to, there’s also a lot inside that I haven’t even glanced at.

So here’s to self-love and self-improvement, and just finding and following what it is in this world that sings sweetly to me, and much louder than my insecurities.

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